Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
