I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
