do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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