If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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