Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
