My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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