well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
