I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
