And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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