I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
