Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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