never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
