dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
