you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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