Who wears a wallet chain?!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
