so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't put those talents on a resume
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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