It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
