he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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