i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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