I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
