Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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