Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
