false alarm. still invincible.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
