Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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