I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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