If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
