I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
