i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
