yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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