I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize