We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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