made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
