I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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