This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
