I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
