my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am spending my child support on dildos
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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