no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
