just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
