she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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