she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
