Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize