Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
