Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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