i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize