I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
