My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My life is pants optional.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
