At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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