you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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