Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize