I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
