Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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