The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
