dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
