my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
barbara walters just said penis...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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