I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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