you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
