I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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