Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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