at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
