I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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