I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
