I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize