I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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