can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
