All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
