Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
