you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
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